Adulting 101: 被逼著長大

在我記憶裡 生病的時候都總有媽媽陪伴。無論是帶著我去看醫生 陪著我等待問診 還是問診的時候該問什麼問題。這一切都不需要我去決定。可是突然間 不知道從什麼時候開始 在這種事情的主導權轉移到了我的身上。應該是 從我開始工作以後 獨立以後吧。所謂獨立 說來也可笑。因為出來工作沒多久 我就遇到了他，接而也從媽媽陪著我去做心臟複診變成他陪著我。嗯，想想也有七年了。就算是去看腦科心理科的時候，在我家人不知情的時候 也是他陪著我的。媽媽去看醫生的時候就是我陪著她去的。要問什麼問題都由我來追問。這些在習以為常的醫院周旋中 從來沒有覺得有何不妥。直到 事情不發生在我身上的時候 突然有種無力感逼迫著我成長。

一直以來 在面對生老病死的課題面前，尤其是病這一塊 我都依賴著別人吧。雖然很多時候 看心臟醫生的時候 都是自己面對，有什麼問題是自己提問；但還是有他的陪伴。那時候精神出現問題的時候也是他在做研究 他在問醫生，他在解釋。而我也很舒適地待在 “我不知道“ 或 ”我不懂“ 的認知裡。依賴著他去安撫我，打點事情。

最近他的身體出了些狀況。事情一開始發生的時候我覺得還在我能接受的範圍內。像是普通感冒發燒那樣 我忙前忙後。直到問題並不是簡單的感冒發燒，看似相比嚴重的時候 突然感覺到有一種很大的無力感向我逼近。我試著學他一樣上網搜索質料 可是偏偏 我沒有他的那般理智。反倒越搜索越害怕。那種等待結果的忐忑，聽著醫生給出方案 要做決定的懵懂… 突然讓我覺得好無措。我很害怕他問我 “那你覺得 我們該怎麼樣”。甚至有些惶恐被問這種問題。因為我很習慣的去問他 “Then what should we do now?” 他總會有答案。但反過來的時候 我卻覺得我什麼都不知道啊。這恰恰的對應著 最近自己去日本的時候也意識到了自己獨自旅行和跟他一起去旅行的差別。

在這種時候會恍然大悟 發現自己真真切切的成了一個 “大人” 。而在 “老死” 這一塊也是 隨著長輩們的離世 更替成長輩的就成了我爸媽那一代了。沒人告訴我們 原來兒時所憧憬的成長 背後居然藏著那麼多的無力與失去。我還記得 在小的時候曾經想過 為何大人們臉上總是掛著一份憂愁 掛著一份無奈？現在的自己 應該也變成了一樣的大人了吧。

在這裡 也想跟在讀著這篇文字的你說 健康很重要 照顧好自己喔。我們現在安然無恙 這事算是過去了，不必刻意的來問候了因為身體畢竟不是我的 我不便多作解釋。可是他現在很好，勿掛念。

最近

時間一眨眼 居然已經恍到了9月了。這一年裡我好想充滿著掙扎。對自己能力的質疑，未來的惶恐。其實六月的時候 我已經下定了決心提出了辭職。現在終於知道 裸辭是需要非常非常非常大的勇氣。而這一路來其實都有把自己的心裡話記錄下來。但並沒有想要把它們放到這裡。或許有一天會吧。但現在不想。好快啊。三個月的 notice period 已經來到了最後一個月了。雖然現在已經沒有之前那麼的惶恐不安，甚至開始有些小期待了。時時刻刻地提醒著自己；

Everything happens for a reason.

最近參加的一個Leadership peer coaching 也結束了。在最後一個session，我有個朋友她也為了當年的retrenchment 能夠面對那時候把她辭退的老闆做個 closure。雖然過了六七年了，但我覺得這對他們來說也是圓滿了。在她訴說著她內心話的時候，我也忍不住落淚。當年的那場毫無預告的retrenchment真的讓人措手不及。到現在都歷歷在目。

咦 離題了啊。

Anyways..

近日 我鬼使神差的又從新下載了微博。刷到了我以前一連串的博文時有些感觸。看著自己寫的那些 反問了自已 哪時候 真的很愛嗎？看著字裡行間的無奈 心累 於心碎 應該是很愛的。我該慶幸 現在的自己無法relate。許是太遙遠了 也或許 後來生活裡的幸福，愛和光都把傷口給填滿了。我希望 那個女孩也一樣可以走出來。

嗯 好吧。說到這裡 也沒什麼好說的了。

下回見。

迷路

是生理期的關係嗎？

從星期四五起都莫名的覺得很空洞。好像缺失了什麼。情緒也莫名的容易低落 甚至還連續好幾晚都為了莫名其妙的原因而哭泣。而昨天一整天 只要想起今天又是全新的星期 要開始工作上班什麼的 就覺得好壓抑。今天一整天都很無精打采。真不知道怎麼了。感覺自己卡住了 近也不是 退也不是。很錯愕的哭了起來。

我也覺得好孤單啊。除了好像沒人能懂 也不知道該如何表達。我到底怎麼了？一整個人都覺得好鬱悶 好難受。什麼也不想做。

還記得 小時候看著大人們的生活 感覺他們都好無聊。週末不是睡覺就窩在家裡看看電視 而且常常為了生活瑣事煩惱。那時的自己就夢想著 以後長大了絕不要過的那般無趣。以後長大了想做什麼 就做什麼。可是 當真的長大了 自己卻漸漸也變成了自己口中無趣的大人。

為什麼長大 這麼累？

Sunday, 2 October 2022

The week started off nervous and anxious, but as I progressed through it, I guess things started getting better and feeling better? Though, I have yet to re-establish my workout routine during the weekday, but I made it a point to sleep early so I feel well rested the next day. And my no social media policy is working alright. Although for the past couple of days, I’ve been launching the app more and more frequently for fleeting couple of minutes before killing it. I tried to spend more time reading news headlines on twitter and reading my book.

We didn’t do much this weekend, except my usual Pilates and Yin Yoga class, we went out for a dentist appointment and I napped until it was time to head out for dinner with his friends. But even while having dinner with friends, I find it disengaging. Don’t feel like talking much or engaging much.

Today, we headed out to Petaling Street to drop by a pop-up store in RexKL and I took my moms camera out for a test drive after getting it fixed and cleaned. There’s still about 10+ frames before I could send it to develop. After we got back, he went out for a meeting but I’ve been feeling restless and anxious. I don’t know why. Not sure if it’s the milk tea I had or just the dread of Monday blue.

I tried meditating. Probably something I should do on a regular basis. Sometimes I wish I could break open my own head and peer inside, just to see what’s going on.

Here’s hoping for a good week, a good month and a good final quarter of the year.

Monday, 26 September 2022

It felt like first day of school. To be more precise, it felt like D-day of report card collection where you know you spent all your waking hours playing games, watching tv, or just doing anything but study. And you understood not a single thing through your whole exam. But you sat for it anyways and now you’re on a car ride with your hopeful parents that expects great results from you to collect your report card.

But I guess the good thing out of this is I was not in my confused state. The dread was real though. My palms were constantly clammy, and I was acutely self conscious of my every move. It progressed into a better direction as time passes though. As I slowly pick things back up from work, working through one task at a time. It helped.

It was still a heartbreaking day. I got a text from Sofia after lunch asking how I’ve been. But the conversation led to me finding out that they’ve just announced the local layoff and this time around, some of my ex-team members are affected. Those who got to stay are obviously shaken. Unsure. And I felt compelled to make sure they’re okay, emotionally at least. But I don’t know how. It was really helpless.

Things have been looking all shades of grey recently.

Sunday, 25 September 2022

Yesterday was a fairly good day. After what felt like forever, I finally managed to go for my usual Saturday Pilates class and Yin Yoga. Although it claims to be restorative and healing, I’ve always been skeptical about it. But this time, somehow, I was actually hopeful that it’d give me a wash of rejuvenation. Not that it actually did, but it still felt good to actually log in some workout after two weeks.

But I do find myself a bit more irritable yesterday. Easily snappy at him and easily annoyed too. I don’t know if it’s the hovering anxiety as Monday approaches that makes me easily annoyed or is it PMS. Especially if he or anyone else starts to give me ‘solutions’ like; take it slow, do this and do that, I feel very annoyed. I know they have my best interest in mind and they are just trying to help. But at the same time, it’s not reassuring, rather pressuring. Like I’m expected to act in certain way.

My plan to stay away from social media seems to be working out fairly ok. I have yet to take the extreme measure in uninstalling the app, so now, it’s more on self-control. Really exerting it and reminding myself – no. I still do open the apps, it’s like a reflex action now but I’d make sure to exit it within 10 seconds.

We went to KLCC with the intention to place a pre-order for a new phone so I could use my existing phone as work phone – to have a clearer separation. I’m not sure if it’s gonna work out alright but I guess it’s worth a try. It was pretty crowded yesterday in KLCC no matter where we went; Maxis, Machines or even Kino. But by the time we left Machines, I was having this terrible headache that felt like my head was about to explode. I guess there were too much stimulant with the crowd and lights and what not – I just couldn’t take it.

Popped a Panadol with my Prozac after we got back.

And this morning when I woke up, my first thought was, how am I feeling? Am I ok? Am I anxious? Am I confused? Which has been pretty much the same question I’ve been asking myself every morning for the past two weeks. But this morning, I feel the familiar sense of foreboding. Only, it’s milder. I’ve not been checking my work emails much. Only occasional glimpses. But it’s always at the back of the mind. Quietly sitting there. If I’m honest to myself, I’m nervous. Been two weeks since my absence, it’s definitely intimidating.

We did had quite an enjoyable day though. We woke up quite late, and then decided to go KLCC because he wanted to get some books from Jordan Peterson. We ended up spending half our day there, reading in Dome, had dinner and did some mild grocery shopping and got home before 10pm. It’s only 8:30pm now and I’ve showered, ready to unwind for the day.

I’m actually quite scared that I’ll be triggered again tomorrow. I hope I’ll be able to sleep well tonight.

Love,

Michelle