Yesterday was a fairly good day. After what felt like forever, I finally managed to go for my usual Saturday Pilates class and Yin Yoga. Although it claims to be restorative and healing, I’ve always been skeptical about it. But this time, somehow, I was actually hopeful that it’d give me a wash of rejuvenation. Not that it actually did, but it still felt good to actually log in some workout after two weeks.
But I do find myself a bit more irritable yesterday. Easily snappy at him and easily annoyed too. I don’t know if it’s the hovering anxiety as Monday approaches that makes me easily annoyed or is it PMS. Especially if he or anyone else starts to give me ‘solutions’ like; take it slow, do this and do that, I feel very annoyed. I know they have my best interest in mind and they are just trying to help. But at the same time, it’s not reassuring, rather pressuring. Like I’m expected to act in certain way.
My plan to stay away from social media seems to be working out fairly ok. I have yet to take the extreme measure in uninstalling the app, so now, it’s more on self-control. Really exerting it and reminding myself – no. I still do open the apps, it’s like a reflex action now but I’d make sure to exit it within 10 seconds.
We went to KLCC with the intention to place a pre-order for a new phone so I could use my existing phone as work phone – to have a clearer separation. I’m not sure if it’s gonna work out alright but I guess it’s worth a try. It was pretty crowded yesterday in KLCC no matter where we went; Maxis, Machines or even Kino. But by the time we left Machines, I was having this terrible headache that felt like my head was about to explode. I guess there were too much stimulant with the crowd and lights and what not – I just couldn’t take it.
Popped a Panadol with my Prozac after we got back.
And this morning when I woke up, my first thought was, how am I feeling? Am I ok? Am I anxious? Am I confused? Which has been pretty much the same question I’ve been asking myself every morning for the past two weeks. But this morning, I feel the familiar sense of foreboding. Only, it’s milder. I’ve not been checking my work emails much. Only occasional glimpses. But it’s always at the back of the mind. Quietly sitting there. If I’m honest to myself, I’m nervous. Been two weeks since my absence, it’s definitely intimidating.
We did had quite an enjoyable day though. We woke up quite late, and then decided to go KLCC because he wanted to get some books from Jordan Peterson. We ended up spending half our day there, reading in Dome, had dinner and did some mild grocery shopping and got home before 10pm. It’s only 8:30pm now and I’ve showered, ready to unwind for the day.
I’m actually quite scared that I’ll be triggered again tomorrow. I hope I’ll be able to sleep well tonight.
Love,
Michelle
Scribbled Journal 