Ever since I remember things, every pacemaker check ups or follow ups, I were never alone. Either mummy or my mom would take me and accompany me through those gruelling hours of patient waitings. Be it in Gleneagles or in recent years, IJN. These once a year or bi-annual check ups with the company of my parents have been such a routine in my life that I never thought there would come a day when I would eventually have to sit on those cold benches in crowded waiting rooms alone.
Last year on my check up, my mom and mummy were both busy taking care of nephews and niece. But my father was still the one who sent me for my check up, although he did not wait with me, but it was comforting knowing that he was there. It still felt pretty routine, apart from the absence of my mom, which I thought would resume on my next check up.
Come my annual check up yesterday, since I’m already in KL, there was no point for my father to fetch me nor for my mom to be there. The reality descended upon me that it’s finally time to be old enough to take myself for my pacemaker check ups. I can drive there, I can uber there. I can sit on those cold benches, surrounded by waiting outpatients that are never my age by myself. I can endure the splitting dizziness and nausea while the Medtronic representative run tests and checks on my pacemaker without the worrying glances. I can step into the consultation room and meet the doctor, alone. I can pay the relevant fees myself.
When I was sitting in front of the consultation room, waiting for my number to blink above the door, I wanted so badly to go back being the small girl who once sat with her feet dangling off the long bench in the crowded paediatric clinic of Dr Lim. Watching as the other kids running up and down the small play area, listening to the crying of babies and impatient arguments between couples. Above all, having my mother there with me.
I guess now, even this has become one more thing to endure, in the journey of adulting.
All is well.
I was a bit, for the first time in my life, nervous to look at the screen – that specific line that reads the remaining battery life of my pacemaker.
But all is well, or so I hope.