Another 4 years.

Ever since I remember things, every pacemaker check ups or follow ups, I were never alone. Either mummy or my mom would take me and accompany me through those gruelling hours of patient waitings. Be it in Gleneagles or in recent years, IJN. These once a year or bi-annual check ups with the company of my parents have been such a routine in my life that I never thought there would come a day when I would eventually have to sit on those cold benches in crowded waiting rooms alone.

Last year on my check up, my mom and mummy were both busy taking care of nephews and niece. But my father was still the one who sent me for my check up, although he did not wait with me, but it was comforting knowing that he was there. It still felt pretty routine, apart from the absence of my mom, which I thought would resume on my next check up.

Come my annual check up yesterday, since I’m already in KL, there was no point for my father to fetch me nor for my mom to be there. The reality descended upon me that it’s finally time to be old enough to take myself for my pacemaker check ups. I can drive there, I can uber there. I can sit on those cold benches, surrounded by waiting outpatients that are never my age by myself. I can endure the splitting dizziness and nausea while the Medtronic representative run tests and checks on my pacemaker without the worrying glances. I can step into the consultation room and meet the doctor, alone. I can pay the relevant fees myself.

When I was sitting in front of the consultation room, waiting for my number to blink above the door, I wanted so badly to go back being the small girl who once sat with her feet dangling off the long bench in the crowded paediatric clinic of Dr Lim. Watching as the other kids running up and down the small play area, listening to the crying of babies and impatient arguments between couples. Above all, having my mother there with me.

I guess now, even this has become one more thing to endure, in the journey of adulting.

All is well.

I was a bit, for the first time in my life, nervous to look at the screen – that specific line that reads the remaining battery life of my pacemaker.

But all is well, or so I hope.




Tidal wave.

Image source: Google.

I guess it’s true.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you fervently wish that it’s smooth sailing. Nobody ever said it was easy, but the adrenaline rush you get before you take that final leap  gives you the thrill and excitement, making you look forward to it. Once you got in, it’s jumping through trapdoors made of steel that immediately shuts behind you, you can’t even look back. It leaves you with no choice but to keep pushing forward, no matter how tempting it is to turn around.

One moment, you feel like you’ve got everything together, you’re floating. The next, you sink and drown, and there is no way to stop it.

It makes you miss yourself. Not because you’ve changed into someone you fail to recognise. But you somehow got so detached with yourself, you forgot how it feels like to actually be yourself.

You realise no one could keep you on the surface as you sink and sink, no matter how willing they are to draw you close. Because you know you cannot rely on anyone, but yourself. People leaves, eventually.

And they have their own waves to deal with. 


Car polish worth of life lesson

Okay. So I guess I’m on a streak of life lessons. Either that or I’m just suay. Okay la. This time, I admit it’s really my fault.

So here goes my something, something worth of life lesson part two. This time, it’s about Duckie. (Oh right! I haven’t officially introduce Duckie yet. Well, will work on it soon, I guess.)

The story started this morning when I woke up as usual at 6. I thought to myself: Well, not wearing lens, I should be able to leave the house early, woohoo! Then who knows, I was so absorbed by the person in the mirror, time flew by. By the time I was done brushing my teeth and put on my clothes, it was 6:20am. 

I thought to myself again, well okay, a bit of time left. Then I realise I wasn’t wearing the right bra, wtf?! FML. So I changed. Imagine peeling off your clothes and change your bra and put on your clothes again! (Imagine yourself la, not me okay? Wtf.)

Long story short, by the time I drew my brows and was ready to leave, it was 6:34am already! Time flies when you’re spending time with yourself, can?

So the point is, when I reached the KTM parking, there were not parking left! The thing is, they have a lot of levels in the parking building at the KTM because of MRT. But they are waiting for some approval and so only the first floor is open for use. 🙄

I was only left with two options; 1) Park beside the road and risk having my car scratched. 2) Park at the taxi slots and risk the uncertainty.

I went with option two. 

Then.. I came back to find this. 

Apparently the taxi uncle who did this worried that I couldn’t see properly. 



They scribbled on my windscreen too, but that was really hard to see so I couldn’t be bothered with taking a photo.

When I went got to my car I was like 😱. Then a taxi uncle came and ask me:

Ah moi! Ini kereta parkir sini lu punya ka? Lain kali jangan park sini oh! Nasib baik dia orang tau you perempuan (exactly how they know the car owner is a girl, I’ve got no idea!) takde kasi tayar bocor! 

Then the uncle proceeded to run a check for me to see if there is any punctured tyre. By that I mean he went around my car. I thanked him and hastily got into my car and drove away. (I forgot to off my rear mirror light again, FML.)

Anyway, yea the moral of the story is: Don’t spend too much time admiring the person in your mirror. 紅顏禍水. LOL.

Okay la. I apologise for parking at the taxi space that I pissed them off. But I’m at the same time thankful that they were kind enough and did not proceed to do anything worse like some permanent damage to Duckie.

So.. Yea! 

Great Monday!



200 bucks worth of life lesson

I know it’s 12:00 a.m. and I’m supposed to go sleep since I have a meeting exactly 12 hours later (heck, who sleeps so early anyway). But I’ve done something freaking stupid again that I feel terrible about. Remember when I idiotically forgot about my annual pacemaker follow up? (You can read about it here.)

Yea. Just worse.

So the story begins when I had to go to KLCC to meet up with my talent together with my senior yesterday afternoon. I told my senior to remind me to withdraw from the ATM since we are having a team dinner on the same night and my cash are running low anyways.

Scheduled meeting was at 2:30 p.m. and we arrived at KLCC at say, 2:15 p.m.? But my talent was running a bit late because her driver just got back from Friday prayers. So my senior and me decided to just walk around to kill off time.

Okay, long story short, I went to the HSBC ATM machine to withdraw money. I wanted to withdraw two hundred bucks and I asked for a receipt. So when the ATM machine dispensed the receipt and my card, I took both.

I took both, turned around and left.

Yes. I left without my money that I JUST withdrew.

My talent texted me right after and we went to meet her. I went about my day as usual and until I had to take the bigger notes from my wallet for the team dinner we had, only did I realised that I was two hundred bucks short. Only did it dawned upon me that I bloody forgot to take my money from the ATM machine.

Admittedly, I was mindlessly lulling about replying emails and whatnot throughout the whole process of withdrawing. I was distracted. But what an expensive distraction.

That precise moment when I realised what had happened, I was like; Oh. Okay. Oh no. Oh shit. Fuck my life.

And then; Mich, you can go kill yourself. (Okay, maybe not so extreme.)

Exactly who would have done what I just did?! (Okay, apparently it is pretty common, cause I googled it, wtf.)

At first I thought there isn’t anything I could do. I mean, the next person could have easily took the money, my money. But I really googled “What happens when you withdraw from ATM and forgot to take the cash.” (Typical first world problem.) Apparently there is a possibility that the ATM machine sucks in your cash if you don’t take it.

So on my way home, I decided to call HSBC customer service. It was already 11:00 p.m. but their customer careline was still operating.

I lodged a report on my case and the customer service officer ran some checks, confirmed two hundred bucks was deducted and not refunded to my account. So she told me she would raise this issue for me so that HSBC would investigate it. She also told me what to expect where there is two possible scenarios; 1) The machine retained the cash after I did not take it and within a few days, the amount will be refunded back into my account OR 2) The money was stolen, anyone passing by who saw could have just pulled it out.

I will be able to know within 11 working days the result of the investigation.

I’m not putting my hopes high. And I’m telling myself that whoever happened to have taken the cash really needed it and it possibly helped him or her get through a difficult time. (I know two hundred bucks isn’t a lot for a lot of you but then again, it’s two. hundred. bucks. It’s a lot for a freshie like me, okay? I could have paid my Maxis bill, lol!)

So yea, a painful and burning life lesson for me.

I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life alright, but the ones that makes me feel superbly disappointed with myself, I think it ought to be taken down in the history of my life.

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any thicker, I just surprised myself. And I need to survive for another three weeks until I get my next pay check.

Great, Mich. Life’s great.



The mirror to our reality

I had a dream last night. It’s been a while since I had any dream about you. That being said, I do have frequent visits from you in my dreams ever since ties were cut between us. They said that if you dreamt of someone, it means that person misses you.

How untrue. I, on the other hand, think that our dreams are based on our strongest underlying desires that lay resilient in our subconsciousness. The ones we spend a conscious amount of effort to deny, to silent. Dreams, as much as our little minds try to decipher it, are probably mirror to the reality in our waking.

Like any other dream, the dream I had, had neither beginning nor an end. And like any other dream, it did not linger long, thus, I could only make out bits and pieces of it.

In that dream, you were waiting, hovering even, for an answer from me. An answer to a question that only I have in my very possession. You wanted something from me. How ironic. You never wanted anything from me. But it was my dream. The idea that you were conform to my subconscious wants is amusing.

And unlike how I used to be around you, eager and willing, I wasn’t about to give you your answer in my dream. In fact, I was trying to put a hold to giving you an answer, to pursue what I wanted. Something that didn’t have anything to do with you. You can wait, in my dreams. You have had to wait.

Somewhere in my dreams, I might have failed in my pursue. Yet, still reluctant to give you the answer you were anticipating.

I thought it would take a longer time for it to pass. Although every time your name pops up in social media, I’d still cringe. Although every time when your name is brought up, my stomach gives a reluctant twist. Although I still wonder, at times – way more than necessary, if you are faring well in life. I am finally able to find peace with myself.

Because reality finally stops hurting.


Stumbled upon

I vaguely remember there used to be a social site called stumbled upon, yes? It was a long time ago. Back when MSN messenger was still a thing. But that is not the point. It’s not the site that I stumbled upon. It was my old Tumblr account that I stumbled upon.

An email from Tumblr came through just when I was studying for my last finals; 4 years anniversary of Tracing Memories. It was four years ago that I set up a Tumblr account. I don’t exactly remember why I stopped going on Tumblr, like so many other things that went away in my life, it just happened. Well, life happened. Frankly, I was shocked to find XiaXue’s (A famous Singaporean blogger, apparently) post flooded my feed when I finally managed to recall my Tumblr password.

I spent another 20 minutes navigating around trying to view my own blog page. The next 15 minutes or so scrolling through histories. It just so happened that I once linked my Instagram to Tumblr, so there were some earlier Instagram photos on my Tumblr. Then again, it is not the point because when I scrolled pass the Instagram era, I stumbled into my past. A small, forgotten piece. There was a split second when I stopped scrolling, I didn’t dare to continue scrolling. It wasn’t about how stupid I used to be, nor how naive. It was some reblogged posts that reminded me of what I once felt.

An answer to a question that has been haunting me.

I guess my friend was right. It doesn’t matter anymore. What matter was that at the point of decision making, I chose myself. This, by default, rendered what had been and what could have been meaningless.

Nevertheless, I thank Tumblr for that email that had transported me back to my past.

I have loved you, once upon a time.

We are two lines forming a sphere. Although we don’t meet often, but we will always get back to each other. And you are all that I have and I’m all that you’ve got.