21 Perceptions: #9 – Irresponsible

Day 8271.

A long hiatus taken by yours truly.

But I didn’t expect the first post of my blog in the year 2015 would be so, well, not positive.

There was several occasion where I wanted to blog about, to remember and to document it. Laziness got the best of me. Especially if I’ve written it in my journal; pen against paper.  Guess, I need to work harder on getting a lot more of myself back.

Back to the reason why yours truly finally pick my fingers up again for this post..

April is around the corner. Which means my should-be annual pacemaker follow up, too, is around the corner(or rather, should be around). Since I usually do not get my next appointment on the spot, IJN would usually send a letter to my house or text my phone or even my mom’s phone to remind us of the upcoming appointment.

Wanting to plan ahead for the first week of April, I called up IJN this morning to confirm the date and time of my upcoming appointment, or so I thought.

“Oh miss, your appointment was in October and you didn’t show up,” replied the disembodied voice of faithful the customer service executive.

I felt like I was hit by lightning. Thunderstruck, whatever you call it. And goosebumps crawling up my skin.

My thoughts ran wild.

I’ve missed my pacemaker check up and I didn’t even know it. Honestly, it wouldn’t have been so much of a big deal if I was in the fresh years of the new implant. Approaching the seventh year, appointment being from annually to twice a year. And I missed it, unaware.

Who else to fault, but myself? Yes, there were supposed to be appointment letter arriving at my doorstep to remind me of my check up. Yes, there were supposed to be reminding texts sent to either my or my mom’s phone. But it’s me. It’s my check up. It’s my heart. And now, be it memory created by my subconsciousness or a memory my brain vaguely recalled, I think they did stamp my appointment card with dates dating back in October.

Best part?

I don’t have my appointment card with me. I couldn’t even precisely recall where I’ve kept it.

I’ve always thought of myself as capable of taking care of myself. That at some level I am capable of high independence. Lack of sense of responsibility, sometimes, but still highly capable of it.

Now I know, I’m downright irresponsible to even my very own life. Despite the appointment has been rescheduled, I feel screwed.

And then, voila, Mich! There’s so much more you have got to work on yourself. As small as it might appear to you, but it’s an unforgivable mistake I did to myself. Though for a split second, I could pretend I don’t need these annual appointments, that I have a normal, healthy heart.

A lesson to be remembered for the rest of my life.

No one is responsible of yourself, but yourself.

You have CHD. Don’t you ever, ever forget that.



P/S: I’m sorry pacie. I’m really sorry. I promise this would never ever happen again. Please be good until we get you checked alright? Be good.


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