Undelivered speeches.

I know I should be studying right now for tomorrow’s test. But I know better that if I don’t post this now, it will slip away like every other thoughts that I’ve ever had. So, yeah ..

It so happens that this semester, I’ve finally managed to register a compulsory subject on English proficiency and it’s Public speaking. It’s different from the Public speaking I had in my first semester which was more intense and this time around it’s more, well, student friendly? First assignment – special occasion and I immediately knew what speech I wanted to do when our lecturer told us to pick two speeches to deliver.

A wedding toast and an eulogy. Both titled; She will be loved.

She will be loved: Happily ever after.

Photo credit: Luminous Aether Photography

Remember when I was still in primary school and was asked to write a short essay on who your superhero is, everyone was so excited to write about their superheroes like superman, batman, cicakman, whatever man, you name it. But because we were living separately and I really missed her a lot, my sister became my very own superhero.

I remember how we used to write each other letters. And in those letters, there will always be bookmarks, stickers and even poems. It’d be the very thing I look forward to receiving every week.

And during my visits, we would talk till late into midnight telling each other every thing and anything.

As time passes by, we begin growing out of the arms of each other. We became busy with our lives, but never leaving the other. I guess, we never stop loving each other. I don’t think that would ever happen.

We were always there for each heartbreaks, each breakdowns and each falls as we try so hard in working things out with life.

I guess it’s normal that we no longer write each other letters, because you stalk me on twitter. I guess it’s okay we no longer talk late into midnight because things are sometimes best said when we say nothing at all.

I have seen my superhero breaks down and lost her directions. I have watched as she crumbles down falling into pieces. But she always comes back, stronger each time.

She’s always doubtful about herself and she’s always afraid. As her sister, though younger, I’ve always feel obligated to watch after her. To look out for her.

But today, my superhero, the fragile yet amazing superhero is getting married. I feel happy, no, elated. Because all the sad things she had been through has bore fruit. All the doubts she had have become pointless.

I won’t guarantee you that from this day on, you’d face no sorrow, no tears but just pure joy. But if I could guarantee you one thing, it would be your happily ever after.

A happily ever after that both of you work towards. Regardless of fights that you will have, tears that you would shed and hearts that would break. Because at the end of the day, you will embrace each other and know everything will be fine. That is happily ever after. It’s not an end; it’s a journey together.

And I know my superhero and her sidekick, my brother in law, will enjoy their journey of happily ever after together.

So here’s to Fene and Andrew’s happily ever after!

It has always been something that I regret not doing. To not deliver a toast on my sister’s wedding, to tell everyone who she is and to share how happy I felt on her wedding day. I think along the way, she did asked me if I wanted to deliver a speech and I said no. Because back then, I felt it was redundant as most of the relatives on our side do not speak English. But I felt as if it was this one chance I had to stand up for my sister and I did not.

I blurp out the video like an hour before presenting my speech in hope that I could recreate that night.

It’s those things that I wanted to tell her and I didn’t but I still can. 🙂

She will be loved: Love prevails.

Before I begin, I’d like to take this chance to express our heartfelt gratitude on behalf of my family to every one of you that is here with us today. It means a lot to us, especially during such difficult times.

As I was preparing this eulogy, the same haunting scene kept replaying again and again in my head. That moment as I turned the last corner to this very street we all stand to find a white canopy set in front of this very house and to have that wave of grief drowning me as I broke down in my sister’s arms.

We knew this day would come, that she would exhale her last struggled breath leaving this world. And we knew it’d mean she is in better hands. But knowing any of that doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

As I sat in my room contemplating how would I want my last goodbye to grandma be like, memories of her come bustling in and out my train of thoughts. Memories of her happy face when we all crammed up in that house above the shop lots during festive seasons. Memories of her smiling face as I cut her finger nails and those haunting memories as we watched her struggling with what was left of her after her stroke attack.

But there was this one thing stuck in my head through all those contemplation; the stubborn determination of my grandma, our very own iron lady. As we are all well aware of, she was paralysed and couldn’t speak for the last two years making her dependent on us to care for her. Yet, she never gave up. She never gave up being the wife who loves her husband. She never gave up being the mother who longs for her children. She never gave up being who she was. The loving wife, the caring mother and the knowing grandma.

She reacted at the slightest hint of news from her children and tiniest sound of grandpa’s voice would make her day. She lived her life with love. Devoted her life loving her husband, caring for her children.

And I would like that on this day, we too, bid our goodbyes to your loving wife, your caring mom and our knowing grandma with love. To remember all those small but significant moments we had with her and celebrate the life she lived.

Death is inevitable, it is irreversible. But love prevails as grandma sets off to enjoy her new found freedom. She would always love us regardless of where she is. And so will we.

Goodbye, grandma.

Yes. We all knew that day would come, yet knowing didn’t made it easier when it really came. And that faithful afternoon never really leave me. But the sorrow diminishes little by little every time you pour it out.

I still think about her every now and then. Regardless of anything. It’s the way that I would want to remember my grandma whom we accompanied her throughout her final journey. My grandma who devoted her life grieving for her son who left too soon. Grandma who let her love drained every energy that is left of her.

It’s not the things that I wanted to tell her but didn’t and could never tell her. But rather the things that I want her to be remembered about.

I’m glad I chose to take Public speaking for the last 3 credit hours of English proficiency class. Or this two undelivered speeches would never given the chance to even exist in the first place. It would always remain as something I wanted to do but never got to do.

At least, now, I’ve weaved out the things I wanted to say on script.

Better than formless thoughts, no?

Leaving to Philippines this Friday and I feel excited at the same time disconcerting having to leave behind quite a number of things for what seems like two weeks.

And I’ll say hey,
You’ll say baby, Hows your day
I’ll say crazy,
But its all gonna be alright,
You’ll kiss my smile,
I’ll pull you closer,
Spend awhile just gettin’ to know ya,
But its all gonna be alright,
Loving you tonight.

              -Loving you tonight, Andrew Allen.

Scribbled,

Mich

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