Used to think that getting into a relationship could be the best thing in life. If there is something to hold the blame, the media would be the culprit. How it portrays what a good relationship would look like, projecting fantasies in a young girl’s mind through all the dramas and soap operas.
Before I continue on my ranting, to be frank, obviously, I’m not some relationship guru or philosopher, just so you know. Merely expressing and typing when I should be studying for my finals.
Two or three years back, I guess, I was one of those silly girls that would easily expect a few text or a few long chats on the virtual platform with the opposite sex to blossom into something theatrically sweet and maybe even romantic. You can laugh, you can even call it desperate, but how can you honestly blame a girl, at the mere age of 16, who watches too much dramas and reads too much romance (including Twilight Saga, so FHL), if she lives in her own fantasies? Yes. I imagined that I could one day miraculously find a guy that would be my boyfriend and we would do exactly what couples do in those Taiwanese youth dramas like Devil Beside You or even like It Started with A Kiss. Honestly, who wouldn’t have imagined or fantasised about all those things.
Pardon me, I’m the irredeemable hopeless romantic, yes.
I expected that there would be a guy who teases me endlessly and when the world went against me, he’d be the first to stand up for me. I imagined that when everyone teases me about him, he’d come walking into the restless classroom telling me he likes me. I fantasised that he’d come straight to sit with me during lunch time causing friends to shoot envious stares in our way. I expected that we’d be taking walks around the school compound before class starts, wandering pass empty classes. And that he’d be watching me as I delve into my favourite book under a tree. We could be simply killing off time in the library while waiting my mom to fetch me home. We could be staying back in the empty classroom when school is over and just talk about almost anything, teasing the geeky guy or that mean teacher that we both hate. I would be watching while he fights his way in a basketball tournament, or simply sitting there while he practices with his team under a yellow umbrella. Then the holiday finally comes and we’d talk on the phone every night until the separation take its toll on us and we’d date each other. Taking the KTM to wherever we want to and spend our whole day there and end it with a call as usual. We will get into fights, but we will be just fine.
It doesn’t take much for me to realise that all these fan girl fantasies over dramas will never happen. It took just some hard falls and a relationship that did not really work out for me to realise that all these were just my… teenage dream?
It made me sound like a bimbo who worries about nothing but boys and relationship? Honestly, I was never the type of person that goes head over heals when it comes to achievements. It would be because my parents were liberal when it comes to academic achievements? But that’d be another story I guess.
The awakening did not really kill off the hopeless romantic in me, no, I doubt that. Being me, being the sensitive, over thinking and melancholic me, I doubt that anything that ever happened or will happen could ever murder the hopeless romantic that is just me. But it’s just that, you learn to separate fantasies and reality. You stop dwelling upon the fact that, that helplessly romantic scene in Time Traveler’s Wife or that passionate kiss in The Vow would never happen.
You still do fantasise, but you don’t dwell on it anymore. But most of all, you stop expecting.
Whatever it is, you stop expecting. And you stop guessing. You stop reading too much into things. You no longer dying to know what someone you like thinks. Not that it doesn’t matter. It matters. It matters a lot, but it no longer bothers you the way an itch you’re dying to scratch does. Because, what you yourself feel has to be the one thing that bothers you the most first. You have at least minimum control over your own thoughts and the way you feel. And you no longer want to try to alter how the other person feel and think about you, instead, you try to comprehend.
Though, at the end of the day, just like every other female in the world, one would hope to come across someone that is crazy over you. And a relationship where you’re crazy over each other but at the same time feel at ease being yourself in the presence of each other. And sometimes, he misses you so badly, he’d travel all the way just to ring the bell of your house and laugh at your dumbfounded expression having to find him at your doorstep. And that he’d hug you tightly at the waist drawing you close to him because you’re so tiny yet meant the world to him.
The only difference is, you wish these things could happen. But you no longer expect it to be something that will definitely happen in the relationship that doesn’t even exist yet.
Small difference, but enough so that you don’t walk on thin ice anymore.