I wouldn’t forget the look he had when he shook me hard reminding me; “We have one more year.”
As if afraid I did not understand or I missed what he said, he repeated shaking me harder; “We’ve got one more year to go.”
It got me blurting out; “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here, I’m here.”
Over time and things that happened, I got used to conceal whatever fear or any other intense emotion behind one deadly smile. Sometimes, you just get too tired to explain yourself or your situation, even your very own feelings. You just tell anyone who got bothered enough to ask that you are okay. Even though that might be a downright lie. But the lie grew so solid to one extend where it convince even yourself that you are okay while somewhere, deep inside you, is falling apart.
I used to think that the world is repelling me from blending in. A question rose to the front of my mind; Is the world repelling me or am I keeping the world at bay? Sometimes it’s pathetic when you got so used to keep your feelings inside, you just don’t know where to begin even you really want to spill some out. You can’t even be completely honest in your diary entries.
And recently, I’ve been visited by one question rather frequently; Are you all right? or Are you okay?
It makes me wonder, is it written all over my face that I winded myself up in a place and got lost in it or it is just plain fatigue exhibited by my appearance? I’m pretty much convinced it is the latter. I’d like to think I’m way too far from being an open book.
Sometimes, I wish my heart could gather up enough strength to overrule my brain and speak out loud. Even for once. For the sake of myself, for the sake of those who really care.
A journey of self discovery or self-destruction. It depends on how you see things.
Keep smiling, it says so much more than word for word explanation.